Love and Intimacy in a Self-Sufficient World

Choosing to Build Connection Beyond Independence

I was recently asked: “Why do you want to build something with someone? Why do you need to be with someone?”

It’s a question that lingers, not because I don’t know my own answer, but because it reveals so much about how we think about intimacy today. We live between two scripts: the old traditional one, where happiness is measured by coupling up and following the rules; and the new, hyper-independent one, where happiness is defined by self-sufficiency, needing nobody, and being complete on your own.

But neither script feels entirely complete.

The last five years have taught me how to be on my own. I’ve raised a child, rebuilt my life, learned to stand in solitude and even love it. Independence has its own joy: the clarity of making your own choices, the pride of self-reliance, the space to know yourself deeply. And yet, even as I value all this, I know the question isn’t about survival. It’s about desire.

And so I find myself asking in return: if we don’t question why we build friendships, why do we question why we build love?

Growing beyond self-sufficiency

No one asks: “Why do you need friends?” or “Can’t you just be happy without them?” We accept without hesitation that friendships add joy, meaning, and depth to life. Yet when it comes to romantic intimacy, the question suddenly turns suspicious: Why do you want this? Do you really need it?

Maybe the answer is simple: because life isn’t meant to be lived only inside ourselves.

Humans are hard-wired for connection, as much as for food or water. Neuroscientists have shown that the brain circuits for loneliness overlap with those for hunger and thirst. To need belonging is not weakness, it’s a part of being human.

Self-love is essential, yes — but it’s not the only destination. After you’ve built the ability to stand on your own two feet, what then? What do you do with all that resilience, self-knowledge, and strength? You share it. Not because you are incomplete according to society, but because we flourish from connection.

Humans crave connection not because they are broken, but because they are alive.

We forget, sometimes, that humans are animals. No other species demands lifelong pair-bonding as a moral obligation. Some mate for life, many don’t. What they all do, however, is mate. They connect, they reproduce, they bond for survival or for pleasure.

And yet, society has layered rule after rule on top of this instinct. Marriage, ownership, fidelity-as-proof, forever-after — all of these constructs designed to domesticate desire. The result? Unrealistic expectations, broken promises, and even shame when reality doesn’t match the story we were fed. We end up confusing freedom with fear, and commitment with control.

Following society’s example is still a choice. And like all choices, it can be beautiful if it’s conscious. For me, it’s neither about abolishing commitment, nor about living in endless detachment. It’s about allowing love to take the form it needs, whatever two (or more) people decide. Monogamous or open, queer or polyamorous, traditional or unconventional — what matters is that it is alive, authentic, and freely chosen.

Why build lasting love & connection?

So why build romantic love, when friendships already give us belonging?

Because love offers something no other bond can. Research shows the benefits are wide and deep. It carries passion and intimacy — the fire that draws us in — and it sparks joy and optimism that steady us when life feels heavy. It gives us companionship, someone to walk beside us, to share the load and the laughter. Yes, there is sexual intimacy, but what we crave even more is the feeling of being truly seen and wanted. And beyond all of this, love at depth shapes us — stretching us, softening us, strengthening us in ways no other bond dares to.

But beyond the data lies something harder to measure — the felt truth of it.

Who doesn’t want to find that person who feels like home: a safe harbour and a wild sea. Someone whose presence calms you so much you can finally exhale, but who also inspires you to roam freely and grow.

Who doesn’t want to be loved in their wholeness: as a man, a woman, a rebel, a sexual being, an over-thinker, an emotional mess.

This is why I crave emotional presence over physical constancy. Because real intimacy has its own pace. It isn’t ephemeral, or something you can recreate endlessly, stranger after stranger. It is built slowly, layer upon layer, through trust, communication, and shared experience.

Of course, not every relationship offers this. Some connections wound more than they heal. Which is why love worth building brings out growth, reciprocity, and the courage to be fully seen.

The question that remains

So when asked, “Why do you want to build something with someone?” — my answer is this: because life expands when it is shared.

Because connection is not about filling a void but about building meaning. Because choosing love even when you know you can live without it, is the boldest choice of all.

Maybe the better question isn’t why do you want love? but why not?

After all, if we never question why we build friendships, why do we question why we build love?

And perhaps, just perhaps, the measure of a life isn’t how well we stand alone, but how bravely we choose to share it.